Ten.

I havent talked on here in a really long time.
A lot has gone on.
I was confused about the boy that I was once with.
It was odd, and scary.
I was just prolonging the enviable.
To be with the one I truly wanted to be with.

Those blogs were always truly about the boy I'm with now... But I dont think we are going to be together for very long because I put him through so much. So,So,So much. I guess its my trust issues got in the way of our relationship and I kept feeling like he was going to leave me like my ex's did. I felt like, he was acting like one of my ex's and I was scared. But he isnt like them, any of them. He is Himself. Hes TJB. He makes me smile, and laugh, and I can always go to him, if I truely needed him. If I truly needed to talk to him. I could go to him anytime. I could cry comfortably without feeling dumb becasue he was always there to comfort me. He technically lives really far away, but he used to live here and he came here for the summer, and It was the BEST summer I could of ever imagined. I went out all the time up to Manchester with him. I was happy to do the things he enjoyed and he was happy to walk to different places with me aswell. He is true to me, no matter what. This is the real thing, its scary. I conflict myself, and try to convince myself that the person Im with is really the one, but I dont have to pretend. One day we were talking face to face and it was like "Wow, you really are the one arent you". It races in my mind everytime. His kisses, his touch, his laugh, his teeth, his eyes, his glasses, everything is just so perfect about him. I never knew that someone could be so sweet to me. I never knew someone could deal with so much shit like he has with me. Its surprising, that this kid makes me feel like someone special and not just Some Loser. I feel like I gained more out of relationship rather than receeding. I was just scared. And Its hard. Always being scared.

Just yesterday, I killed my first spider. That sounds odd, but Im so afraid of spiders but I just had to do it. It was in the shower and there was no way I was showering with a spider. I dont think I would of gotten to take that small step without this boy in my life. Everyday is a struggle though, because every day is closer and closer to the time he has to leave, and I really dont want him to go. I know that I'm paranoid, and scared still that our relationship is going to flake off and decay, but thats because hes been really distant, and he told me he was sick of my bullshit.

I mean, I really wasnt trying to put him through so much. I was trying to show him what a relationship is all about. I never distanced myself, like I did before, I never tried controlling him, except for his hair because I wanted to see it long. I never tried to put him on a leash. Its just, girls, other women, they make me feel insignificant and ugly. I feel like I always have to compare myself to them, and yeah, I have to work on that, and its hard. My mom realized all of what I'm realizing these past few days and probably the next few months, weeks, and years, she realized all of this at the age of fourtytwo. Thats pretty tough, considering I'm only sixteen.

I was TJB's first relationship, and Honestly , I wish I was his last. I wish he knew what I knew about being in a relationship through thick and thin. He thought he could handle it, and I guess he's just done. Maybe its because hes scared Ill act the way I did when he goes to Texas, or maybe it really is because hes done being all about me, and not about himself. Like, not in concieted way. We all have to take care of ourselves, but I didnt know how, which is stupid. Of course I should know how, right?

I guess, that through this all, this boy will always be my true, true, true love. Ill never ever regret the things we've done, or the things I've said to him. I mean everything I tell him. I mean it when I say I love him. He makes me feel real, not like some fake, some ghost in the background. He puts me out there and shows me that I really am I beautiful person, and I really do mean something to someone out there. My mom tries, and tries to make me realize, but TJB, he just, he looks at me, deep into my eyes, and I just know, and think Wow, this kid really cares about me, and I really, truely honestly care about him too.

I couldnt give two shits about all the other people Ive dated, they are disgusting low life pigs compared to the angel, I have, or once had.

He agreed to give me one last chance to see him. He said he still loved me, and he always will love me, and I believe him. I hope that when I see him, our spark will be so strong, that It wont matter what happened. It wont matter that I kept apologizing, It wont matter that I freaked out, It wont matter becuase what matters is we love each other. The same, no competition, anymore. We love each other the same. We were on the same page, and now Hes three pages ahead, and I'm a little behind, and I hope seeing him will show him that I read them, and that I'm ready to be on the same page again.

I love him. I dont love JDW. I dont love TMM. I dont love DMP. I dont love any of them.

I love you TJB. Forever and Always.