53v3N

Closer.

I stand in the middle of the road.
Nothing left but a single rose to hold.
The petals fall to the asphalt
Nothing left but a single petal.
My life is closing in on me.
The road narrower it seems.
I try to take a step ahead
but fall instead
I'm closer to death than I am to anything at all.
I embrace this time
I was ready to fall.
I lay there awhile
not wanting to breathe
I suddenly realize
you are closer to me.
You tell me things I want to hear.
The honest truth never hurts me
when its your voice that echos in my head.
Closer and Closer.
I'm more alive than dead.
I pick myself up and I'm ready to go.
I take a step into the middle of the road
Abandoned and maybe alone.
I take another confident step and I feel so alive.
Brighter and Brighter as the day goes by.
I'm closer to you.
I'm closer to you.

My minds not racing a million miles an hour tonight. Only a few things compared to the mass of things generally on my mind. I feel focused and ready to go.
I believe It's time to stop hiding.
Take a walk alone.
I think I want to start running again. It makes me really happy, but I have no one to go fora run with.
Sprinting may be more of my thing but I think I want to build up on long distance running because it feels so nice to be all comfy and just run.
Not enough to get all sweaty and gross but enough to feel your
face turn a little red and the breath catch in your throat.
It makes me feel so alive.
I think I'll play more basketball at the park this year too. My favorite .

But tonight I feel no need to write so much.
I'm at ease and I feel really happy where I am.
I have a few good people in my life that I want to stay for awhile.

I haven't been this happy in awhile.

5!X

Scrambled

I put my fingers to the keys.
Hope to God I don't sneeze
If I do my thoughts will scramble.
If I do my mind will ramble.
I'll be broken
Like the machine.
Cold and Heartless
Like you
Even if your a human being.

Tonight is just one of those nights,
one of those nights when you feel
So alive.
One of those nights
when your ready to die.

I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready to stop crying, ready to stop thinking that I'm dying. I may be physically day by day but mentally I'm growing and I think that is okay.
To be honest I hate it when I write poetry because then I get in those rhymey moods and then it messes up what I'm trying to say. Heh.

I think starting over would be too much work, rewinding would take away all the hard work I've actually done to get to this point, and so, I think I'm just ready for a change. Maybe I'll work my way towards trying to be a more confident person. More trusting in those I love, and like. I can trust a few, but only on some days. For some reason my trust level depends on my mood. Right now feeling relaxed I could probably just sit on my bed and smoke a cigarette and just talk. Though smoking is bad its just one of those social things in my mind, you take it easy light something up and blow smoke out ever so softly. Its soothing to me, quiet relaxing. Just like the rain drops hitting the deck and windows. I think I'm ready to be happy. I mean, I've been depressed and feeling alone for almost six years now. I know I'm still young and I know I'll still get depressed but people are right. I'm so pessimistic it even makes myself sick.

I want my own sun to shine, but I don't know how to fix my own lightbulb. Maybe if I had someone there to help me, push me along, guide me I'd feel a little bit better. But my opinion right now and my opinion later will change. Usually I want to do things on my own. And just like everyone else I "strive to be different". Its so silly how we are trying to be so non-conformist in such a conformist way.

I'm not ready to live.
I'm not ready to die.
I want to stand still.
I want to feel high.

I guess randomly putting in things like that makes me feel proud, its my own work, my own words my own meaning. Last night I was talking on the phone with a friend who was feeling quiet anxious. She was a bit jumpy about being alone so she decided to call me. It made me feel trusted and more worthy of her time knowing that she thought to call me. Though I was with a group I decided to block them out and just talk with her for awhile, it seemed like a good idea and I still think It was. I was walking back talking about my boyfriend, like I do a lot. Talking about how he makes me feel so special and wanted, and how when he's not around I feel lost. Though I need to fix that, I will a little later, I think I have the right to be selfish for a few more days, don't you? Anyways. I used to cut, a lot. Probably since the fifth grade aswell. Either that or early sixth grade. I used to cut to feel numb pain, to see my blood and to control it. It made me feel lightheaded and pumped me with adrenaline I felt so alive yet so dead, ready to die at any moment. I didn't care about what others thought and I was selfish. Not selfish in the relationship sense obviously, but selfish in wanting to die. I don't know if that makes sense know, but It will later. I found a rusty razorblade on the sidewalk and I paused, thinking about the last time I saw one just laying there. I was in the garden walking home from school, angry as usual. Coming home from Middle School about two summers back to be exact. I didn't even think, I just took it. Of course I wasn't your averge dont care about what was on the razor don't care if its clean or if I get aids cutter. I enjoyed a nice clean cut. Nothing nasty entering my body. I rather bleed to death then suffer with some nasty disease. It was nice and shiney as I said I think before, and it got me happy and bubbly for a few moments before I cleaned it and used it on my leg and arm. It felt so nice, and I thought about that as I picked up this rusty nasty thing off the ground. I decided to keep it. It symbolizes something, something that used to be so right turned rusty and wrong. Nasty and disgusting and vile to me now. I keep it locked away. It's been a year and three months and I'm proud that I stopped, it helped me be a little less pessimistic.

I guess, its time to find something else to take away taht will make me less pessimistic.

I try to turn off my computer now and then, because lately I've been leaving it on day and night. On the internet, signed into AIM. It's time that I grow up and do my work at school and the internet doesn't always help. Its always been my communication. It's always been my way to escape from everything else, which is why I have this blog, right now, so in a way it makes me happy but also can make me deeply depressed. I just need to walk away when I start getting depressed. Though its hard. I believe that I should believe in myself, and right now at this very moment I do.

I think its time for a goodnight, Sex and the City is on and I'd like to play some Yah-Yah-Yah-Yahtzeeeeeee.

Sweet Dreams
-SL.

f!v£

When you touch me I gasp
I want more
I want it to last
A dangerous touch gives me chills
What do I do
I want to beg I want to plea
Give me more
Please just love me

I couldn't finish this blog the night I wrote this too distracted to even finish.

American beauty....
The girls aee so young and they put their children through hell. They grow up thinking plastic. Perfect is okay and that's how you will get through life. Shaving your daughters legs giving her spray on tan and whitening her teeth. Putting foundation on her face to cover any scars imperfections darken her plucked eyebrows to make them more profound. Little miss perfect. Perfection in this world is like when schizphrenics believe that someone is really there when they aren't. We put children through a false reality and then send them off into a perfect barbie world. We neglect to tell them about the herion addicts, crackheads and coke fiends lined up on the streets. We neglect to tell them that its not okay that daddy touches them and all that other messed up shit. They see people in their lifes that could be real their real friends and instead they rather win fake gold and all metal trophies that tell people that they were the prettiest girl in the show. Miss perfect little sunshine.

I got to spend the day with someone I thpught reay didn't love me. In the beginning I figured he liked me to spite his friend. I remember the first real day he met me we were at the mall eating burger king and sipping soad when he told his friend he liked to screw up his relationships. I was a bit worried because I thought I liked his friend. His friend and I are the same age which had me worried. We all know 16 year old boys only want sex, escpecially when they get what they want. That's all this boy ever wanted. Sure he was cute, shorter than me but he scared me. He reminded me of the boy I lost my virginity to. He took it all away in an instant and now that's all gone. There's no more me. Everythings been exposed. But maybe I can have a new beginning. I hung out with the boy I'm now dating most of the first day we met. Just having him there made me feel safe. He took me away from the group. I don't like big groups so it was nice. We talked about everything and nothing. I was afraid to br around him. Afraid id be like my friend and like one boy but be with the other and then go back.. though the other is a big ball of sunshine he seems like he's always just putting on a show. Always seems to be the one who likes being lod and always want the center of attention. He tries so had to flatter women through sexual encounters and cheesy tactics to pick up girls. I'm not one of those girls. I hung with him and felt awkard and lost. I hung out with my boyfriend and felt awkward too afraid id be a slut in his eyes if I was with his friend and him. In the end I chose him. He made me scared and excited. He went out of his way to show me happiness and his own way. He went with me walked to the mall with me and I realized that he wouldn't leave me if something new and fresh came along. I mean I still worry hell find someone who warms his heart like I do, but aren't we all afraid?

It may be hard to follow that story but it makes sense to me and that's all that matters, yeah people may read it and its publicly shown on the internet but its for me.

I enjoy this boy who is not only my boyfriend but my best friend, though we've only neen together for a week and known each other for like two or three, time doesn't seem to matter.

Ill post more later.

Its time to just float through the day on a clod of happiness or a cloud of sorrow. Ill be the one to decide my fate

f0ur.

Nothing to gain.
No pain.
No shame.
All in game.
You make me smile
you take it and run a mile.
Far away.
No way.
Feeling this way his hopeless
Immature.
No cure.
You seem to be the only fit for me.
Not in love.
Just so much like.
Want to work.
Seems like you rather just want to fight.
Don't know what to do.
I always want to be around you.
You push away.
You have your day.
Are you just playing a game?

Probably not. I have faith, I believe in you more than anyone. You stand there and talk. You know what to say. You take my breath away. Your good with words and you know it so well.
You could put my heart on a string and dangle it and make it seem painless.
Make it seem great.
Make it seem worth it.
I want to do everything for you.

I know what its like not to want help, I know what its like to feel paranoid. I know what its like to want to go away. That life is pointless and you don't want to stay.
But I'm right here and it makes me feel so insignificant. We were fine just a few days ago.
Are you bored already?
Have I been away from you for too long?
Am I really that clingy.

I'm stopping now before I piss you off.
I'm not going to call you as much.
I won't text if you don't want.
I got so excited.

The first relationship I've wanted in almost a year.
I thought I was ready. I guess you just wanted to make me happy?
I just want to hang out with you all the time. I need to give you space, give you time.

I'd let you clear your head if you told me you wanted to be with me and really meant it.
I'd give you space if you made things clear.

I don't want to be ignored. I want you to talk to me.

Just talk to me.
Just like me.
Please.

I know that sounds so weird, and I sound desperate but right now I feel like a fallen dead leaf. I dont feel like I matter to anyone or anything. I know I can be a good person but I feel really depressed right now, like my world is crashing down, and in a few hours I'll pick myself back up.
I feel really sick, I'm having asthma attacks. But I'm done complaining about that. Done complaining about pain, because I know people are worst off. Done complaining about relationships because its so immature, Ill probably delete this blog later anyways. Theres no point.
I can say it to your face, if you'd just talk.


I want to be with you. I want to make you happy, I want, I want I want, you know what I want, but I dont know what you want.

Yellow jumpsuits and yellow converse, wait til you see what i get you for christmas.
Itll be great.

Put a fucking smile on your face.

+HR33

Rejection.

Your biggest fear.
The thing you hold dear.
It wraps you around its finger
It dangles you by a string.
Nothing left
Nothing to win.
You play the game
though your the last to be picked
You smile your best
to show no pain.
You feel at a loss
but you know there is nothing to gain.

Why don't you answer your phone when I call?
Why don't you seem happy at all?

I try my best to make these people happy. To make them feel like they are higher than a hot air balloon, but I guess it isn't enough when you don't seem happy at all. I am happy, I just don't show it. I am proud, I just don't know it. I am a good person, when I try to be. Maybe I don't even try, maybe I just can't breathe.

It amazes me how one moment I feel on top of the world and the next I'm crashing and burning. I feel like my skin is hot and on fire and yet you walk by me and I'm cold as ice. I feel proud to be there with you, I feel alone when I'm not. I have to make my own happiness and sometimes I do, but other times I worry, why shouldn't I? When I sit down and think about all the people who have done me wrong, it was my past not my present but I just can't seem to let go. I try and I try, but its so hard to trust, and when I do they take it and rip it away from me like its nothing but a toy. I am not your toy, I am not your thing to play with when you're feeling down. I'm not your thing to fuck when you need to feel good. I'm just me and I'm just trying to get by like everyone else.

Sometimes I feel so upside down.
Sometimes I spin all the way around.
Where do I end up?
Upside down again.
Wheres the fun in that?

I wish swearing could make everything better, you say a word like fuck or ass or dick or cunt and you automatically feel like the anger built up inside is gone, and its not. Its still there just ready to be released by a punch, or a kick, or a bite or a scream.
I feel slightly angry with myself for not telling people how I really feel. I feel angry for myself for just giving in when I know I shouldn't give anything out.
But I do it to make others happy no matter how much it will bring me down, I guess I think that people will always be more important to me and will add up more than I will ever add up to be.

I want to be a photographer, how successful will I be? A starving artist.
Starving, for food, for money, to survive?
I wish we didn't have money in this world it seems senseless, why do people
have to be based around greed?

I want to live in a nice house, with a nice cat and dog or two and a small little family, maybe even adopt? I don't know it all seems so fake right now. I rather just stick with my studio apartment with a kitten by my side and a nice boyfriend that I can commit to. Maybe its just all about relationships in this world. You love and you hate. Well I hate loving. Its so hard to just find someone you can sit down with and just chat to, feel happy around and feel happy when your alone. I guess right now I'm not ready to be alone when I know he makes me so happy. I wish just once he'd pick up his phone and call me but he doesn't. I wish just once he'd answer his phone when I'm sitting home alone doing nothing. I haven't seen him in like two days, which is fine, but I worry and wonder what hes doing all the time. It bugs me, its not that I don't trust him its that I don't trust myself, my mind races a million miles an hour and I start to panic. I should just chill out but this is the first relationship I've really wanted since my last big relationship, that wasn't that big at all.

I know I talk about my relationship a lot, but I guess there is a lot on my mind.
I guess Its because sometimes he reads this and maybe he'll understand it. I try to tell him to his
face but It just can't come out, I'm going to be more open with him, maybe if he picked up his phone.
Or maybe if we weren't in the back seat of someones car
trying to have a serious conversation. And I mean, it always seems like he gets defensive if I
ever try to say something thats on my mind.
Like Im saying it wrong or something.
I don't know.
I just don't want to make him angry or upset him, because its a new relationship.

I don't want something based on sex, or kisses or lovelovelove.
I want something based on reality.
I hope he wants that too.
Its okay to be cute sometimes but other times
I just rather hold hands and just talk to him like one on one.
But right now he doesnt seem to have the time for me.
I'd like to know why.

I haven't seen my father in awhile and to be honest I'm scared to go alone. He just got back surgery and I don't really like his wife. I love her to bits and peices because she seems to sometimes make my father happy, but other times hes just depressed as ever. They are both very sexual people, and I know thats gross to think about, but it just bugs me to think they are married and probably just lust over each other rather then love. I just wish he could see that she really just wants him for the money he doesnt have, just like all the rest. His taste has never changed, my mother probably wanted money too, but my mom at least tried to love him. The women he goes for now just seem to want the money and sex with no cuddling.
Thats what I thought anyways.
Even if hes my father.

I'll blog more later?

T\|\|0

Serenity.
The only thing I want to feel
is you by my side
The only thing I want to hear
is your whisper inside.
Your laugh
Your smile
Your nibbles
drive me wild.
Your arms around me
Never let me be.
You hold me and
I feel
I feel
That you are my Serenity.

Am I still your Xanax? The one who will always make you happy?
Will I always make you feel bright?

I want to be your everything. I want to be your superstar.
I want to shine brighter than the sun.
I want.
I want.

What do you want?

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. My mind fogged by a cloudy smog. Feeling like the way I do, makes me wonder if you want it to be just me and you. My throat hurts and I feel so dry. Tired and worn out and yet, I'm still alive.
I want to do everything for you. I want to show you that you are better than the rest. To hold you and let you feel my heartbeat and know that forever I will love you. Forever is not even real, but I wish it could be because it feels like if forever were real then you possibly loving me would be real too. Maybe loving me isnt as big as forever.. Its not that I'm in love with you, and its not that you should worry or even care about this. Its that your my best friend and you make me smile, and I just want to stop hurting for awhile. I know I rhyme and thats okay, but maybe itll make you read this faster and help you think longer. Maybe one day youll say you love me, and maybe one day Ill say it back. Our smiles so wide, our hearts so close, california in our eyes.

I want this to be more then just some stupid relationship.
It seems these words keep repeating themselves.
Maybe I should stop and tell you something.
Tell you a secret

Maybe one day, not today, Ill tell you something that will blow you away. So you better listen otherwise It may slip up and youll never know.



xxxx


I had a good day today, except for later today when I had a little bad moment and got a little depressed. I worried about everything, loosing you, loosing friends, disappontment and what not, but I think I should get over it and stop worrying, let myself go. I hope I'm a good person, and I hope I will succeed.
I hope my friends will always love and forgive me.

I believe everyone can change if they want. I believe that no one is the same even in the course of a few years. I believe that no matter what if you change or not youll always be the same old person that I decided to care about. I care about all of you, no matter what they say. I never cheat, I never lie, not to you. I may lie to my parents but thats only rare. I respect my mother and I respect you too. I respect everyone if they give me a chance too.

I hope one day, Ill be trusted and loved. One day Ill find that someone and stop worrying.
One day.

but right now, I want to take this one day at a time.
and Im happy where I am right now.

0n3

Childhood memories bring so much joy
You see a kid happy and you wish you could join
But you feel all alone with no one
There to make you happy
You feel loat and alone and slightly sappy
But the smile of a child makes you feel so great
Nothing but happiness crosses their face
Its all just fun and games
Until you hit that certain age where nothings the same.


As I sit in my boyfriends house I see such a beautiful little girl who reminds me of myself. Such a quiet care free little girl. Watching care bears and eating yummy food with the ones you love. Its so quiet and peaceful here. We talk about things so secret. Its so warm ro be here with his mother and neice I feel so at ease.


Sometimes I want to speak but the words seem to loud. I like to sit here quiet and listen to the sounds. I feel so normal so real and so right I hope I fit here even if its just another night. It feels so grat sorrounding yourself around people who really truely care.

When I'm around him my problems seem to go away, his kisses washing everything away.. it doiesnt matter boufriend or not I want to be around him until the day I drop.


Maybe another post later

Zer0,

Exposed.

To see who I really am,
to be who I really am,
its such a difficult task.
So long have I hid behind such an un-pretty mask.
Nothing left.
More than just a memory.
My life drifts by.
Something less then Serenity.
Unhappy.
Unwilling
Unable to be myself.
Strip me from my mask
To show myself
To see who I really am,
to be who I really am,

its such a difficult task.

It's so hard to just be myself. I really do feel unsatisfied with myself. With the person I am.
How I act, sometimes so Immature, that I can't even stand myself. I don't enjoy who I am.
and I try to change it but its so hard, try to change my life, my outlook, my everything. Its so difficult
to just get by. To just sit here and be myself just for one day. I don even know who I am.
So discontent when I look in the mirror, so disgusted by who I am. Am I really a good person?
Can I really change the world?
Can I really show my true colors?

I mean, yes Ive been honest to everyone but myself. I look in the mirror and I cringe.
Why do I cringe?
What is it about me that disgusts myself, and makes others want more?

I sit here and write all that I can, to show you that I am just as normal as them.

I cry, I fight, I'm at a loss.

I really like someone, and I don't know why.
He makes me happy, he makes me shine.

I repeat myself constantly.
This is the real me.

I've come to realize how much I hate this world. Not all the people in it just how we act. We make things that are so worthless worth the most. We do the same mistakes over and over again. We are born in a repeating cycle of our parents. We are not unique we are exactly the same...
Or it least it seems that way.

Its so hard to say what I have to say. I just need to break away.

I really like this boy, and I really hope he likes me back, he makes me smile big, and I make him smile back. He holds me close and I feel so there, I feel alive. No matter where I am.
I am so happy, so pleased to be with him. I want to love him, but its too soon, too too soon.
I get so excited when I'm around him.
We have adventures that Ive never had before. I explore things with a different outlook when I'm around him.
I'm so happy I could just scream.
But when hes gone I have this certain pattern, it happens with every boyfriend Ive ever had.
I'm afraid that hell find someone better.
I'm afraid that hes with another girl.


Why am I so afraid?