+HR33

Rejection.

Your biggest fear.
The thing you hold dear.
It wraps you around its finger
It dangles you by a string.
Nothing left
Nothing to win.
You play the game
though your the last to be picked
You smile your best
to show no pain.
You feel at a loss
but you know there is nothing to gain.

Why don't you answer your phone when I call?
Why don't you seem happy at all?

I try my best to make these people happy. To make them feel like they are higher than a hot air balloon, but I guess it isn't enough when you don't seem happy at all. I am happy, I just don't show it. I am proud, I just don't know it. I am a good person, when I try to be. Maybe I don't even try, maybe I just can't breathe.

It amazes me how one moment I feel on top of the world and the next I'm crashing and burning. I feel like my skin is hot and on fire and yet you walk by me and I'm cold as ice. I feel proud to be there with you, I feel alone when I'm not. I have to make my own happiness and sometimes I do, but other times I worry, why shouldn't I? When I sit down and think about all the people who have done me wrong, it was my past not my present but I just can't seem to let go. I try and I try, but its so hard to trust, and when I do they take it and rip it away from me like its nothing but a toy. I am not your toy, I am not your thing to play with when you're feeling down. I'm not your thing to fuck when you need to feel good. I'm just me and I'm just trying to get by like everyone else.

Sometimes I feel so upside down.
Sometimes I spin all the way around.
Where do I end up?
Upside down again.
Wheres the fun in that?

I wish swearing could make everything better, you say a word like fuck or ass or dick or cunt and you automatically feel like the anger built up inside is gone, and its not. Its still there just ready to be released by a punch, or a kick, or a bite or a scream.
I feel slightly angry with myself for not telling people how I really feel. I feel angry for myself for just giving in when I know I shouldn't give anything out.
But I do it to make others happy no matter how much it will bring me down, I guess I think that people will always be more important to me and will add up more than I will ever add up to be.

I want to be a photographer, how successful will I be? A starving artist.
Starving, for food, for money, to survive?
I wish we didn't have money in this world it seems senseless, why do people
have to be based around greed?

I want to live in a nice house, with a nice cat and dog or two and a small little family, maybe even adopt? I don't know it all seems so fake right now. I rather just stick with my studio apartment with a kitten by my side and a nice boyfriend that I can commit to. Maybe its just all about relationships in this world. You love and you hate. Well I hate loving. Its so hard to just find someone you can sit down with and just chat to, feel happy around and feel happy when your alone. I guess right now I'm not ready to be alone when I know he makes me so happy. I wish just once he'd pick up his phone and call me but he doesn't. I wish just once he'd answer his phone when I'm sitting home alone doing nothing. I haven't seen him in like two days, which is fine, but I worry and wonder what hes doing all the time. It bugs me, its not that I don't trust him its that I don't trust myself, my mind races a million miles an hour and I start to panic. I should just chill out but this is the first relationship I've really wanted since my last big relationship, that wasn't that big at all.

I know I talk about my relationship a lot, but I guess there is a lot on my mind.
I guess Its because sometimes he reads this and maybe he'll understand it. I try to tell him to his
face but It just can't come out, I'm going to be more open with him, maybe if he picked up his phone.
Or maybe if we weren't in the back seat of someones car
trying to have a serious conversation. And I mean, it always seems like he gets defensive if I
ever try to say something thats on my mind.
Like Im saying it wrong or something.
I don't know.
I just don't want to make him angry or upset him, because its a new relationship.

I don't want something based on sex, or kisses or lovelovelove.
I want something based on reality.
I hope he wants that too.
Its okay to be cute sometimes but other times
I just rather hold hands and just talk to him like one on one.
But right now he doesnt seem to have the time for me.
I'd like to know why.

I haven't seen my father in awhile and to be honest I'm scared to go alone. He just got back surgery and I don't really like his wife. I love her to bits and peices because she seems to sometimes make my father happy, but other times hes just depressed as ever. They are both very sexual people, and I know thats gross to think about, but it just bugs me to think they are married and probably just lust over each other rather then love. I just wish he could see that she really just wants him for the money he doesnt have, just like all the rest. His taste has never changed, my mother probably wanted money too, but my mom at least tried to love him. The women he goes for now just seem to want the money and sex with no cuddling.
Thats what I thought anyways.
Even if hes my father.

I'll blog more later?