5!X

Scrambled

I put my fingers to the keys.
Hope to God I don't sneeze
If I do my thoughts will scramble.
If I do my mind will ramble.
I'll be broken
Like the machine.
Cold and Heartless
Like you
Even if your a human being.

Tonight is just one of those nights,
one of those nights when you feel
So alive.
One of those nights
when your ready to die.

I'm ready for a new beginning. I'm ready to stop crying, ready to stop thinking that I'm dying. I may be physically day by day but mentally I'm growing and I think that is okay.
To be honest I hate it when I write poetry because then I get in those rhymey moods and then it messes up what I'm trying to say. Heh.

I think starting over would be too much work, rewinding would take away all the hard work I've actually done to get to this point, and so, I think I'm just ready for a change. Maybe I'll work my way towards trying to be a more confident person. More trusting in those I love, and like. I can trust a few, but only on some days. For some reason my trust level depends on my mood. Right now feeling relaxed I could probably just sit on my bed and smoke a cigarette and just talk. Though smoking is bad its just one of those social things in my mind, you take it easy light something up and blow smoke out ever so softly. Its soothing to me, quiet relaxing. Just like the rain drops hitting the deck and windows. I think I'm ready to be happy. I mean, I've been depressed and feeling alone for almost six years now. I know I'm still young and I know I'll still get depressed but people are right. I'm so pessimistic it even makes myself sick.

I want my own sun to shine, but I don't know how to fix my own lightbulb. Maybe if I had someone there to help me, push me along, guide me I'd feel a little bit better. But my opinion right now and my opinion later will change. Usually I want to do things on my own. And just like everyone else I "strive to be different". Its so silly how we are trying to be so non-conformist in such a conformist way.

I'm not ready to live.
I'm not ready to die.
I want to stand still.
I want to feel high.

I guess randomly putting in things like that makes me feel proud, its my own work, my own words my own meaning. Last night I was talking on the phone with a friend who was feeling quiet anxious. She was a bit jumpy about being alone so she decided to call me. It made me feel trusted and more worthy of her time knowing that she thought to call me. Though I was with a group I decided to block them out and just talk with her for awhile, it seemed like a good idea and I still think It was. I was walking back talking about my boyfriend, like I do a lot. Talking about how he makes me feel so special and wanted, and how when he's not around I feel lost. Though I need to fix that, I will a little later, I think I have the right to be selfish for a few more days, don't you? Anyways. I used to cut, a lot. Probably since the fifth grade aswell. Either that or early sixth grade. I used to cut to feel numb pain, to see my blood and to control it. It made me feel lightheaded and pumped me with adrenaline I felt so alive yet so dead, ready to die at any moment. I didn't care about what others thought and I was selfish. Not selfish in the relationship sense obviously, but selfish in wanting to die. I don't know if that makes sense know, but It will later. I found a rusty razorblade on the sidewalk and I paused, thinking about the last time I saw one just laying there. I was in the garden walking home from school, angry as usual. Coming home from Middle School about two summers back to be exact. I didn't even think, I just took it. Of course I wasn't your averge dont care about what was on the razor don't care if its clean or if I get aids cutter. I enjoyed a nice clean cut. Nothing nasty entering my body. I rather bleed to death then suffer with some nasty disease. It was nice and shiney as I said I think before, and it got me happy and bubbly for a few moments before I cleaned it and used it on my leg and arm. It felt so nice, and I thought about that as I picked up this rusty nasty thing off the ground. I decided to keep it. It symbolizes something, something that used to be so right turned rusty and wrong. Nasty and disgusting and vile to me now. I keep it locked away. It's been a year and three months and I'm proud that I stopped, it helped me be a little less pessimistic.

I guess, its time to find something else to take away taht will make me less pessimistic.

I try to turn off my computer now and then, because lately I've been leaving it on day and night. On the internet, signed into AIM. It's time that I grow up and do my work at school and the internet doesn't always help. Its always been my communication. It's always been my way to escape from everything else, which is why I have this blog, right now, so in a way it makes me happy but also can make me deeply depressed. I just need to walk away when I start getting depressed. Though its hard. I believe that I should believe in myself, and right now at this very moment I do.

I think its time for a goodnight, Sex and the City is on and I'd like to play some Yah-Yah-Yah-Yahtzeeeeeee.

Sweet Dreams
-SL.